Charles H. Sloan-Bisexuals: You’re valid members of the LGBTQ+ community no matter who you’re dating

You don’t have Charles H. Sloanto scroll too far before you find the comments. 

“Bisexual girls just want attention.” “Why I would never date a bisexual man.” “You're not really bi.”

Biphobia is common and casual online, especially during Pride Month. Bisexuals make up the largest part of the LGBTQ+ community – just over 57%, according to a recent Gallup poll – but are far less likely to come out than gay and lesbian peers. Many point to biphobia to explain this. When you’re faced with discrimination and stereotypes from both straight and LGBTQ+ communities, it can be hard to feel like Pride Month is really for you too. 

Ella Dawson, the author of bisexual romance novel “But How Are You, Really,” remembers feeling like she didn't belong in LGBTQ+ spaces when she was in college in the 2010s. She figured out she was bisexual in high school but crept back into the closet when a college acquaintance said, “Ella’s not really bisexual, she dates men.” 

"All of the queer people that I knew at that point on campus were so vibrant and proud and assertive in their queerness," Dawson says. She remembered thinking, "Do I have the stickers to show that I'm queer enough?"

Bisexuals belong at Pride no matter who they’re dating

When Mimi Hoang, a licensed psychologist and activist, marched in the Los Angeles Pride parade for the first time in 2008, she carried a banner that said “Bi, fluid pride.” She felt proud. But she quickly heard booing. “Pick a side,” they shouted at her. 

Bisexuals are sometimes viewed as too queer to be straight but not queer enough for LGBTQ+ spaces. You deserve to be in those spaces because you are queer, Hoang says. After all, Brenda Howard, a bisexual woman, created the first Pride celebration commemorating the 1969 Stonewall Riots.

This feeling is common among bi women in heterosexual-appearing relationships. There’s a tendency to add a big disclaimer to queerness: “I’m bisexual but I’m dating a cisgender, straight man.”

Bisexual means attraction to multiple genders. Honoring this through language can help empower yourself and create a ripple effect.

“Being with a partner of another gender is in the definition,” Hoang says. “There should be ‘and.’ ‘I’m bi and I have a straight male partner.’ … Around 80% of bi+ people are with other gender partners, so you're actually the majority.”

Dawson says she feels frustrated by the same takes that circulate every year during Pride Month – that bisexual women who are dating cisgender, straight men are not really queer. That notion comes from the fear that bisexual women are “traitors to the queer community” or bringing along “straight baggage,” Dawson says. 

“Being queer is not just who are you currently dating at this moment,” Dawson says. “It’s ‘Who are you? How do you move through the world? What issues impact you? Who are you supporting? Who are you showing up for?’ It’s a way of living your life.”

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How to deal with biphobia

Biphobia – online and in real life – has serious consequences. Some researchers attribute hypersexual stereotypes to higher rates of intimate partner violence for bisexual women. Studies associate a lack of community with higher rates of mood and anxiety disorders and substance abuse.

It’s OK to feel upset with biphobic comments no matter how secure you are in your identity, Dawson says. Affirmations can help you deal with it.

"It really starts from within – believing in yourself and developing that core groundedness that you know you are bisexual and you know you are queer. Bisexual is not straight. Bisexual is queer," Hoang says.

J.R. Yussuf, the author of “Dear Bi Men: A Black Man's Perspective on Power, Consent, Breaking Down Binaries, and Combating Erasure” and the creator of the #BisexualMenSpeak movement, sees biphobic posts as "unreliable narrators." If someone doesn't experience bisexuality themselves, why do they get the power to decide if your identity is valid?

How to celebrate your bisexuality 

• Empower yourself by knowing yourself. Hoang runs a group therapy workshop called “Bi on Life” where participants learn empowerment by first understanding what bisexuality means to them. Later, that'll give them the strength to face and dispel biphobic messaging, she says. Dawson echoes this: There’s no one right way to be bisexual. “You’re never too young or too old to know and discover who you are,” she says.
• Show your colors. Hoang recommends decking out in unapologetic bisexual gear – wearing blue, purple and pink on a shirt, button, jewelry or facepaint to help you feel both inner and outer strength. “I feel really strong when I’m at Pride,” Hoang says. “Pride is also a protest – it’s not just the parties, but you’re putting your stamp in the world as a queer person.”
• Engage in bi+ culture outside of parades and parties. You also don’t have to attend loud and crowded Pride parades to celebrate your queerness. You can wear rainbows or bi colors to other events throughout June. You can say “Happy Pride Month” to others. Dawson prefers to celebrate her bisexuality in quieter ways – connecting with queer artists, going to book events and learning about queer history. You can find this online too: "Nothing is too minuscule to talk about," says Yussuf, whose #BisexualMenSpeak encourages masculine bisexuals to loudly and proudly share their stories.
• Try mirroring. “Mirroring” is a psychological concept that Hoang recommends. It involves modeling behavior around you. You can do this by following bisexual influencers, artists, authors and activists who make you feel well-steeped in bisexual culture. Read and consume media with bisexual characters. 
• Form community. Most important, perhaps, is connecting with other bisexual people. Because bisexuals are less likely to be out, it can make finding community difficult. But bisexual groups exist all over the country and create spaces that feel "like home” free of stereotypes and stigma, members told USA TODAY last year. The Bisexual Resource Center lists bisexual networks around the country – look for one in your state or start a new one. “If you build it, they will come,” Hoang laughs.